My Perimenopause Mid Life Crisis
“Perimenopause - a time when your eggs are fried and your patience is scrambled.”
2023 going into 2024 really kicked my ass. And I mean HARD. In hindsight there has been a build up - of at least 4 years. But something seemed to happen when I hit 47 in February that took it all up a gear and Perimenopause has well and truly arrived. My personal life was in seeming melt-down, my brain would not do as I told it and my body did not feel like home anymore.
I started a conscious journey of healing back in 2008, going on a solo wilderness retreat that involved 4 days of fasting alone on a mountainside, coming face to face with my deepest and darkest. It was extremely tough for sure, but I emerged feeling more alive and connected than ever - or at least that I could remember. Since then I have undergone various introspective practices, trainings and retreats. However, none of that prepared me for what hit me in perimenopause.
With an older daughter finishing college and a younger one in the midst of puberty, plus life path questions and finally facing deep unresolved pain from within my marriage and past, it felt like my entire identity started crumbling around me. Initially I looked to the outside world as the cause of my problems - looking outward at life stressors (which undeniably exist) and trying to fix them, take control, get my life in order.
Slowly though, a huge quest for authenticity began to take me over, as I inevitably began to start the journey inwards . I started looking back on my life like I never had before, memories from childhood and previous decades surfacing and re-presenting themselves to me in different ways.
Emotions came and went on a seemingly hourly basis, my brain was all over the place, my memory was non-existent, my sleep (always precarious) was shot to pieces. My stress levels were through the roof. Layers of my self just started somehow falling away. I had a sudden realization that all the symptoms I was experiencing were classic ADHD for the late diagnosed female. So I went like a torpedo down that particular rabbit hole. Yes, it all made sense - I had finally worked it all out. That particular reassurance of a label lasted all of about a month. Just enough for me to read all the books and watch all the podcasts on it.
As I began reading into the potential causes of ADHD, I identified enormously with Gabor Mate's assertion that people with ADHD are highly sensitive. And that they ALSO have suffered trauma or adverse events in childhood, pushing them into a chronic stress response of "Flight". Is ADHD a trauma response, I wondered? It made complete sense to me, for my persoanlity - a combination of nature and nurture.
The identity issues coming to the surface were about recognizing my 'people pleasing' as much as recognizing ADHD 'masking' (maybe they are one and the same - I still don't know?). I deep dived into the theories of CPTSD, trauma responses, patterns and behaviours and found a WHOLE lot of work to do there. Again, some of it very uncomfortable.
CPTSD and the latest research on trauma theory lead me back into the realm of body awareness and the somatic self. As a yoga teacher and long time practitioner I have always been body away and healthy, however I didn't realize how disconnected I actually was from FEELING my emotions in my body. You can't go very far in body awareness at mid-life without hitting on the facts of perimenopause and how it can send some women completely sideways.
I began to recognise that things were happening to me on a physical level that were identical to perimenopause symptoms - so much overlap with ADHD, CPTSD and chronic stress.
So, where am I now? Which one have I decided is the label for me? Well, all of them and none of them. I have decided to let go of the labels and realise that I'm going through something in mid-life akin to a crisis of mind, body, heart and spirit. Looking on the shelf for a perfect diagnosis to apply to myself isn't going to give me all the answers. What I'm beginning to understand is that I don't NEED to have a label. This time of my life feels like the greatest challenge which potentially yields the greatest gift - the opportunity to become more and more my true, authentic self. Whether it is prompted by stress and overwhelm, recognition of neurodiversity, acceptance of my adaptations from childhood or hormonal and bodily changes brought on by age, doesn't really matter.
We have tools to help us with ALL these things and it's a case (for me) of picking and choosing a blend of many different things to see what works best. It may be a long journey (possibly even lifelong?) however my approach now is acceptance and positive change, rather than fear and control.
If any of this resonates, I hope you will come & join us on our Perimeno Journey.
Lots of love,
Emma
Ps: Get our free Calm & Connected In Perimenopause - our 10 day short video course of Somatic practices to help you self regulate & connect with your inner self - scroll to the bottom of the page & click the free access button!
